Community.

I just want to paint this picture of where I am right now because I never want to forget it.

My heart is settled and at peace. My physical body is warm and cozy. My lips have been graced with the taste of a soy, no-water chai latte (which happens to be my favorite). The mismatched sounds filling my ears include, but are not limited to, Bon Iver, Ray LaMontagne, Citizen Cope, a Starbucks employee sweeping a broom across the floor, coffee beans grinding, and subtle murmurs spread throughout the dimly lit java shop. The shuffle of baristas behind the counter is sending a sweet aroma of Christmas themed lattes through the air that settles like a fog around us. If friendship were a tangible, visible, thing that you could look at like a painting on the wall, I would be looking at it right now. The community around me makes my heart flip with excitement and security all at the same time. It is something to be able to sit in the presence if ones you love and feel completely enjoyed. Whether conversing with each other or not. One of my favorite things is just being in someone’s company while doing two separate things. Do you know how this feels? Right now I am in the company of my roommates and best friends (minus Missy at the moment) and though we are just sitting around a wooden table studying and writing, we are still engaged in what each other is doing. Does that make sense? I truly believe that is how we are supposed to feel with God. Though Blair is sitting across the table from me, not involved in what I am doing over here, I am still completely engrossed in the drawing she is working on, seeing concentration in her face and maybe subconsciously reacting to expressions she may be making. Kate is sitting beside me, focused on her writing, but she can still feel me stupidly bobbing my head to my music and acknowledges that with a hidden smile. To my left, Sarah is reading a book that I know she isn’t particularly interested in, and we can all sort of feel the huff and puff resonating in that feeling of impartiality. So you see, even though we are each doing something different we still have a connection deeper than the surface level of what is happening now that allows us to feel what each other is feeling, if even subconsciously. Hopefully you have experienced this with your loved ones and close friends because I believe is it just a taste of how we connect with our Savior. If we could really understand everything about the way He sees us, about the way He so deeply knows us… Well, I know I would just fall over. That’s the beauty of it. We can’t understand everything. But he knows us better than we know ourselves. Scary. I know you’ve heard that before, but I try to remind myself every so often because I tend to start to think that I know everything about everything. Find your best friend in Christ and be ever connected in mind, body, and soul.

That is all.

Awake My Soul.

Well friends, I come to you with hard news. It won’t be hard for you because it doesn’t really concern you. But it was most definitely hard for me.

Okay, straight to the point.

At the end of last Friday I was called into the principal’s office at work (which has honestly scared me since I was a small child), and was told that I had just worked my last day, and that I was being let go. I wasn’t given much of a reason as to why this was happening, but it was happening nonetheless. This is honestly really embarrassing and not something I would normally write about publicly but I feel like you need to know the hard things too. One of the best ways Christ shines in our lives is when we give him the glory through our pain, right? I feel like this happened so I could take more than just one thing out of it…

1. The time I have gotten to spend at the best job of my life thus far has given me eyes to see what I am passionate about: kids. I know without a doubt that God put me there to show them His light and to be a place of safety the kids felt like they could come to. I know that I gave it my best, trying to show my students and everyone around me the light of Jesus. Maybe even to the point where other nonbelievers I worked with were offended. But hey, we are going to be persecuted when we follow our Creator. Even if it costs your most valuable possessions, do not give in to being silent about the love of Christ.
2. You never know when it is going to be the end. We hear this all the time. But do we ever really take it into consideration when going through daily life? I know I didn’t while I was there. Not 20 minutes before I walked into my principal’s office had I been talking to a mom in the car line about how much I loved my job and I didn’t know what I would do without it. We take for granted what we have around us; not knowing that the next few steps we take could be the end. Take joy in what you have around you my friends. Treat each day as if you will never have another.
3. I feel like somehow God prepared me for this. I think he has been doing that a lot lately. I don’t really know what the plan is yet, but I know he is in full control. It’s almost comical actually, because before I walked into the office I said to a co-worker that I was going to lose my job, she denied that would happen but I knew it was about to be true. Somehow God gave me just a few seconds to prepare my heart for what was coming. Stay connected with the voice of God through out your day so you will not miss the things he has to say. Keep your mind open to hear things that might change your life.
4. I don’t know what it is yet, but I know God is excited about what I am about to encounter. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me after this. I have to keep reminding myself that He is in control, and dang it, that’s hard. But the realization brings such comfort and peace. It’s like sitting on the couch with your mama while she holds you. Somehow everything is safe; you know no harm can come to you there. I have come to this conclusion: I truly believe that my job at the school was just a portal into what I am going to do next. The Lord placed me there to discover my love for being with kids. I believe something bigger and better is about to happen that would have caused me to need to quit my job, but the Lord knew there was no way I’d do that alone. So he had to step in and do it himself, even if it meant temporary pain. There is no thing the Lord does not have planned before it happens. He will not cause us to go through pain with no way out. Sarah Young writes in Jesus Calling that as we call on the Lord in our troubled times, he obscures our view with a peaceful fog. Causing us to turn our attention to the present moment, seeing only a few      steps in front of us (p. 335). I don’t know about you, but I am so thankful for that. When I see too much ahead I get anxious and begin to worry. Praise the Lord that he comes in and takes care of that for me, turning my focus to him and the next few steps I need to take. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.
5. Same song, different note… MOST of you know I am deaf in my right ear. Most of you know this only because at some point when we first met you tried to tell me something and I didn’t respond, or really acknowledge your existence. For that I apologize, and politely say, next time sit on my left side. Yesterday I had a doctors appointment. Just a check up… but somehow I knew it was going to be more than that. It’s pretty awesome how God keeps preparing my heart for things to come. What most of you don’t know about my hearing is that when I was 12 I had my 1^st surgery to drill this thing called Cholesteatoma out of my head. It ate away at my hearing bones and, if I don’t keep an eye on it, could get to my brain. Now, we aren’t going to let that happen, but it helps you understand that it’s a little more serious than I usually make it out to be. 3 more surgeries and countless check up’s later, it’s back. Nothing to be really afraid of, just something we need to take action on. My point is- having this surgery in the next few months would have caused me to have to miss about 6 weeks of work. More than I could afford to miss, probably enough to make me need to quit… Do you see what I am getting at here?

Even though I may not always agree with or like it, God ALWAYS knows what he is doing. I am not saying that surgery is the sole reason all of this happened, or that I am even beginning to understand everything God is doing. I do not tell you all of this for you to feel sorry for me, or try and give me the answers. I want you all to see the control God has in our lives. I want you to see how He always steps in to save. I want you to understand that even in the hard times He is the only one that knows what is coming next. I hope this is encouragement for you to keep pushing. I will keep you updated on where God sends me next. I pray for the Lord to place a fog around you to keep you focused on the steps right in front of you. Don’t let the worries of tomorrow misguide you today. Keep your eyes focused friends, and you will never be led astray.

Say What You Need to Say

It makes me feel so dumb when I can’t say what I want to say when I want to say it. I walk away from SO many conversations wishing I had said something a different way, said something completely different in the first place, or wanting to take back something I did say that really wasn’t even necessary at all. Goodness, haven’t you been here before??
Maybe you’ve already guessed that I was in this particular situation tonight. A very good conversation. One of importance. But man, when it comes to my feelings I am just terrible at it. I clam up like I’ve never spoken to anyone in my life. (There is actually a girl I teach at school that never speaks. She’s never spoken in class. But I’m not as extreme as her, and she’s in Kindergarten…) Anyways… I know that this all stems from my childhood. It’s the defense mechanism I used to use with my Dad. I am strong. I am brave. You can’t break me. You know, that mentality. Truth is, I am surely broken. And it always comes out eventually. Tonight I stayed strong up until the very second I didn’t have to anymore. Then I slightly resemble Niagara Falls. But just the waterfall part, not so much the trees and rocks. I hate it that it is only certain situations, with certain people that I really have trouble conveying how I feel. Because, baby, I can sure let it out when I choose to. I have been sort of noticing lately that I think I can be more open to the people who don’t know me the best. Which is silly, because it should be the opposite.

Well, clearly I just needed to write it out. I do feel slightly better. I will keep you posted on my working through all of this. I know I am not the only one.

That’s all for now. I have a bedtime, and I am 23 minutes past it.