It makes me feel so dumb when I can’t say what I want to say when I want to say it. I walk away from SO many conversations wishing I had said something a different way, said something completely different in the first place, or wanting to take back something I did say that really wasn’t even necessary at all. Goodness, haven’t you been here before??
Maybe you’ve already guessed that I was in this particular situation tonight. A very good conversation. One of importance. But man, when it comes to my feelings I am just terrible at it. I clam up like I’ve never spoken to anyone in my life. (There is actually a girl I teach at school that never speaks. She’s never spoken in class. But I’m not as extreme as her, and she’s in Kindergarten…) Anyways… I know that this all stems from my childhood. It’s the defense mechanism I used to use with my Dad. I am strong. I am brave. You can’t break me. You know, that mentality. Truth is, I am surely broken. And it always comes out eventually. Tonight I stayed strong up until the very second I didn’t have to anymore. Then I slightly resemble Niagara Falls. But just the waterfall part, not so much the trees and rocks. I hate it that it is only certain situations, with certain people that I really have trouble conveying how I feel. Because, baby, I can sure let it out when I choose to. I have been sort of noticing lately that I think I can be more open to the people who don’t know me the best. Which is silly, because it should be the opposite.
Well, clearly I just needed to write it out. I do feel slightly better. I will keep you posted on my working through all of this. I know I am not the only one.
That’s all for now. I have a bedtime, and I am 23 minutes past it.