Monthly Archives: March 2012

Not Alone.

The Lord spoke to me today. I know it was Him because of the way He came and went. It was so sweet. And such perfect timing.


This morning I had enough time to be able to go to Panera and study, instead of just sitting at my kitchen table. I love being able to get out of my house and just sit and be for a bit. Such a great way to start the day. 12:30 came to a near and I quickly counted my points*, stuffed all my books in my bag (For those of you who need a visual, I carry about 8 books with me at all times… in hopes that I might have time to crack one open and read a page or two. That usually never happens. At least I look smart.), refilled my coffee and headed to work. 


Work was normal. Ring, ring, hello I’d like to put in a few orders. Tuxedo this, bowtie that.- that sort of thing. But something was different today. 


This morning I studied the security of the Lord. I flipped back a few days in my Jesus Calling and re-read something I’d already read the other day but today it seemed to stick out to me like a sore thumb. It read, “You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through the awareness of My continual Presence.”


Wow.

I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve got some serious changing going on in my life that has caused me to lose sight of the powerful presence of our Lord. Don’t ask me why, because if I had really been paying attention I would have realized that security in Him was the answer all along. But my little insignificant brain can’t comprehend all that for some reason. It was so comforting to be reminded of that this morning. He is everywhere, in everything, with everyone. All. The. Time. WHY DO I FORGET THAT!? It kind of almost makes me mad. At myself, of course. Like, why can’t I remember that I am never alone? I do have somewhat of a short-term memory loss thing goin’ on, but I don’t think I am allowed to use that to justify my self-centered mind. Because that’s just what it is…


I go through my day thinking, what the heck, why haven’t I heard from the Lord today. It’s gotta be because it’s all about what I need and not what He needs. Syke. He tells us that He needs us just as much as we need Him. We think, say, scream, “WHY HASN’T HE NOTICED ME????” When all we need to do is step outside our selfish skin and let His presence sink in. I’ve had all eyes on you this whole time, baby girl. I’ve actually been waiting for you to notice Me


We can get so wrapped up in the world crashing down around us that we only think about how to save ourselves, and not who longs to save us. 


Today was different. Today I felt Him everywhere. In my car, in line at Panera, in my little office space (oh by the way, Becky, I’m gonna need my stapler back.), in the clouds, in the signs I drove by… no seriously… 

I was fully aware of who He was to me today. My Father, my Lover, my Redeemer, my Healer…


My everything.


It’s so simple. Yet so stinkin hard to get through my brain. That all He wants is our love. Our attention. Our requests. Our burdens. That’s the one I’m workin’ on.


I’m not one to dump my burdens on people. I think somehow when I was younger I taught myself that I wasn’t allowed to feel. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Jealousy. Any of those things that would “make me a bad person.” If something’s wrong I could bet you won’t ever know it. Unless your my Ma. She has some weird Mom radar that I could never get past. Nevertheless, I think the reason the words I read today hit me as hard as they did is because at the top of the page, the very first thing, I read, “THIS IS A TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU MUST LEARN TO LET GO: of loved ones, of possession, of control.” Boom. Before I even finished reading that sentence, I already had a list of things that needed to go. 


Of course the first thing was loved ones. I haven’t told you yet, that my dad has been diagnosed with cancer. The doctor said it’s what’s going to kill him. My dad and I don’t have a good relationship, but I’ve witnessed the Lord mending it since we got the news about his health. He was saying to me, let go of your fear of his death. There is enough time. I am building the perfect ending for you right this moment. 


I am learning to let go of a lot of things. Loneliness, selfishness, pride, jealousy. And am becoming so weirdly aware of who I am as a woman of God. I think I love it.


The Lord started speaking to my heart today in Panera, but where I really heard Him loud and clear was in World Market. Of all places. 

When I left LensCrafters after my annual eye exam (Yep, your eyes haven’t changed, see ya next year, and thanks for the money!), I drove straight to World Market for some reason. I think I was in a daze. I didn’t need anything from there. Even as I was drooling over the paintings and picking out the perfect dining room table, I was thinking seriously Taylor, get out of this store. But I kept wandering. Through the picture frames, through the little bathroom decor thingys, through the bedspreads. All of which I wanted… all of which I could live without. While I was wandering I made eye contact with an old man, whom I smiled at, but thought nothing of. I remember seeing him one more time while I was browsing. A bit later I was still looking at the toothbrush holders (really? it’s not that hard, it holds a stick upright. pick one.) and that same old man came around the corner and stood there looking at me for a moment. This is where I would normally say, “Hi!” Or, “Can I help you?” But I didn’t say anything. Then he spoke. “I am not flirting with you, I am as old as your grandpa (that is evident.) But I thought you needed to know that you are absolutely gorgeous. (wow.) I mean stunning. Like I can’t even.. you are breathtaking.” (well, holy crap.)


Let’s take a step back. My hair is air dried- in the biggest frizz ball, my cheeks are red because for some reason the eye doctor makes me nervous- I think it’s because of how close they get to my face then they are saying, “Okay better with 3? Or 4? Now 5? Or back to 4?” And I am wearing the same clothes as yesterday and no make up whatsoever.


I didn’t know what to say to that man. He did not feel creepy at all. I don’t even remember what he looked like. I vaguely remember a bald head and a red shirt… Though I don’t remember reading anywhere if angels wear red shirts or not. Either way, I know he was from the Lord, in one way or another… After I told him thank you and that he made my day, I blinked for a second and he was gone. I didn’t see him again. And I even wandered for a bit longer, picking out a set of coffee mugs that were on sale, sale, sale, because someone had stolen the matching spoons. I have my own spoons, I thought. They sold me on that one. 


He was gone. 

I am still smiling. 


I know that was a message for me from God. But I pray that if that man was a real man and not just a messenger from God, that I might have shone a light to him that he wouldn’t have normally seen.


You see, I believe the Lord was telling me that not only should I be secure in His love for me, but that he is so proud of the condition my heart is in. I heard Him say something about a heart while we were talking tonight. I believe the message I am supposed to get out of everything is this: for His children who will listen, He sees us. Our hearts for him are breathtaking. He delights in us. He deems us worthy. Do not give up. Keep your eyes and mind open for His daily affirmation. He is so proud of you and how you are serving Him.


He’s there. 


We are not alone. Never alone. That could be haunting if we let ourselves think about it that way. But it’s not. He is our comforter. Our shelter. Our shepherd. 


Gosh we are so BLESSED to get to do this together. 


And I am SO excited for the days to come. 

It’s an adventure and we are in it together. 

Feet first, eyes closed, squeezing tight the hand of the Lord. Or I am at least. 


Won’t you join me? 


Goodnight friends. I am going to Kroger to get cilantro and lime to make hummus. Yumm.




*It usually takes me a few tries to get something right… In this case, we are playing Me vs. Weight Watchers: Round 2. If you’ve ever thought about taking a swing at it for the first time, or maybe the third or 15th. I’d highly recommend it. I can seriously still eat anything I want, in moderation. And for some reason I never got that before…. now I do. And it’s working! Hallelujah and praise the Lamb because I really don’t wanna have to do this again.

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Coming Home.

Where is home? Who knows. 

My little gypsy heart doesn’t really have a place I connect with as a physical home. Maybe the best way I can describe what home means to me is quite literally- a hug from someone I know loves me unconditionally. As lame as that sounds. Hugs bring tears to my eyes. Now that doesn’t mean it’s waterworks when I’m walking down the street and see two people hug. I mean like a real embrace. Like its been a really long week (month, year, decade, lifetime, you name it), everything’s gone wrong, I need a piece of pie and a hug from my momma or it’s off the side of a cliff for me kind of hug.

Touch is so, so, so powerful. So powerful. We can’t even understand how much. I can feel the power of God move through someone’s hand on my shoulder so stinkin’ strong-like (I think I told y’all I moved back to Tennessee, but in case I didn’t- I’ve been pulling out my redneck vocabulary to get back in the swing of things.) There is no better feeling to me than an extra long hug from my parents, adopted parents, grandparents, siblings… you get the point.

Really, the heart of it all is just Love. 

I’ve been back in Knoxville for over a year now, longer than anyplace else I’ve lived since I graduated high school. So clearly I think it’s about time I move again. 

We’ll see where God leads, but I know I came back to Knoxville because I was searching for a home. And this used to be it. But not anymore.

Home isn’t so much a place to me as it is a feeling. I’ve had a lot of houses and lived a lot of places, but as cliche as this sounds…. for me, home truly is where my heart is.


Where is home for you? Where do you feel most loved? Where do you feel your gifts and talents are being used to the best of your ability to glorify the Most High King? Where do you feel most encouraged? Where do you feel at ease? Where do you feel least judged? Where do you feel secure? 


I’ve been searching for a while now. 

But if I know nothing at least I know this much- I am my Father’s Joy. (ADDult side note: I want that as a tattoo. In Hebrew. Mom told me just to write it in a book. We’ll see.)                 (Oh hey mom, love you.)


I may not be Home yet, but I know who I belong to. I hope you do too. 


Let’s be real, are we really ever supposed to feel like we are home until we are resting in the arms of the Lord watching Friends on the golden floor of our tree house in Heaven? A. I am a firm believer that there will be a Jesus version of Friends when we get there. I want to be Chandler, you guys can pick from the other 5. And B. I know we are all getting mansions, but Lord, will you make a note that I’m okay with a really cool tree house?


Gosh… I think I’ve gone down enough rabbit trails for tonight. 

I honestly don’t even remember what I started writing about in the first place. 


Goodnight friends. 

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